I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. That was seven years ago. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. The timeline seems off here. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. So dont wait around for that. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. lets_be_honest The little things like who is taking the garbage out? But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. Anonymousse I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. Youre right. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Ann Cannon. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Laura Hope Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. Come on, BGM! And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Bagge72 lets_be_honest And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. lets_be_honest When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. John Rohan So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. Ok, fine, I do this. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. The rest of the time he spent with me. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Or I used to. Laura Hope Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. It sounds pretty nice, to me! I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. Im in the same boat. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. BGM never agrees with the woman. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Parents get old and die. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Is this normal? LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. lets_be_honest All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Yeah.. If not, you need to sort this out. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. That was my first thought. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Schedule some girls' nights out. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. lets_be_honest At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. But, youre not single now. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. This is something about him that will likely never change. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). I cant imagine that life! Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. Dont people like to do things in their cities? So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. This is how children are taught. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. Its hard not knowing when a passing will From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. Yes, this. It is what they like to do. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Plan a trip to visit your family. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. I give up. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. It doesnt scream big problem to me. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. So make him choose. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. True enough, Flake. tbrucemom Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. demoiselle It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. YES! January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Dont go this weekend. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. My husband likes When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? All Im saying is be careful. Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. Its weird. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Two things.. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. every place has natural wonders. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. All rights reserved. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. You mention what you used to do when your were single. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. GatorGirl On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Or stay the whole time? My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. I hate having family stay over at our house. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. a lot of people just arent that way. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. . But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Eh. We were together but doing our own thing. They are content with the status quo. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! . Not normal. 1. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. GatorGirl Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Pronouns made that a little less clear. Laura Hope Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Yeah, but every weekend? First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. That an entire day together isnt enough? I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. Could that be why theyve been there so much? It doesnt mean he loves her any less. 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